This is something that goes on too much in our industry and there is no reason for it, so I am taking a moment to give some perspectives.
This is what is now commonly referred to as, “ghosting”.
In case you don’t know what that is, ghosting is when you’re working with someone on something and then they just stop responding to you.
When Toby and I are working together and Toby decides he doesn’t want to move forward, instead of providing a courteous response like this:
Bruce, I’ve thought about it and decided that I do not wish to proceed; however, I wish you the best.
Toby just stops responding to my emails or other communications.
As my wife and I were just discussing it this morning, she said, “Do you think people don’t notice when someone ghosts them?”
To spell it out, if Toby ghosts Tobina, then Tobina will remember it quite well. Among other things:
Tobina probably assumes Toby is showing off his importance by saying, through the ghosting, “I am more important than you.” Or maybe something like, “Ain’t I just the coolest!”
Or worse, Toby is making it clear to Tobina that Toby is the kind of person who interacts with people when they are useful to him but otherwise discards them. Toby may not truly be such a person, but that is what he is saying to Tobina loud and clear when he ghosts her.
More transactionally, over time, the only constant is change. Someday Tobina may be more important than Toby or useful to Toby, but that won’t happen now. Toby never knows how many opportunities he has lost just by ghosting Tobina. Including, also, all those people whom Tobina has spoken less glowingly about Toby.
And worse yet, if Toby has ghosted Tobina, he probably has ghosted many more persons who aren’t useful to him at the moment. How many opportunities are lost now?
All Toby is doing when he ghosts Tobina is making her someone that dislikes him, or at least someone who thinks less of him. And, for what?
I’m sure you’ve heard the most important saying for success in just about everything in life:
It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.
Toby is standing that on its head by shrinking down those who he knows. Actually, he is doing worse, as those people know him quite well. They just don’t like him anymore.
Also, when I see someone do that, I wonder also about Toby’s judgment for being so foolish.
An interesting thought on this topic, which is admittedly anecdotal, is that I don’t see this behavior from people at the top of the real estate world. They know instinctively that what goes around comes around. Or they are, at heart, good people who don’t want to be disrespectful to others. They know that spreading good karma is more likely to result in good things happening than in spreading manure. Also, the odds are that not ghosting people helped them get to the top of the real estate world in the first place.
So, to end with some advice:
Don’t ghost people, it’s bad manners and hurts you a lot more than you think. My wife is totally right that people really do notice.
And, to be positive, non-ghosting makes you a class act, which is something we should all aspire to be.
Bruce Stachenfeld aka The Real Estate Philosopher™